Do you have feelings for someone?
Yeah

What is your age?
21

What are you going to do later?
Eat pizza and sleep.

Will you be in a relationship in two months?
Well considering we signed a lease a week ago, I freaking hope so.

When was the last time you were told you were cute?
Probably within the past hour.

Do you like your hair?
It's at an awkward length right now, but it does its job. Whatever that is.

Does anyone have feelings for you?
That's what I'm told.

What were you doing at 11 this morning?
I was on the bus to class.

What’s on your wrist right now?
nada

Ever gotten yourself into a confusing situation?
I specialize in doing things like that.

What do you miss most about your past?
I miss the security and the familiarity of everything.

Are you wearing anything that doesn’t belong to you?
No, not currently.

Are you happy?
I am very happy currently.

Is there anyone that is jealous of you or anything that you have?
Probably. They're just haters. Sippin' on their Haterade.

Do you straighten your hair?
I do.

Can you live a day without TV?
Yeah, I don't know the last time I sat down and watched TV.

When was the last time you saw your number 1?
It's possible that Ashleigh is still my number 1 on Myspace. Sooo sometime in January?

How do you feel about the person who texted you last?
I miss her and would be lost without her.

What was the last movie you watched and with who?
I started to watch Casino Royale with Rob last night. But I fell asleep.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Yes.

Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
I don't think I act spoiled, but I know I'm extremely lucky and way more fortunate than a lot of people.

Have you ever been called beautiful?
Yes I have.

Would you raither dye your hair or go tanning?
Dye my hair. Duh.

Will this weekend be a good one?
I hope so. It'll be my first weekend in the new apartment and Sunday we go get our furniture from my mom.

When was the last time you cried?
About a week ago I think? Rob said something that meant a lot to me, so I guess it was a good cry.

If your extremely quiet, what does that mean?
I'm probably upset.

Is it more common for you to follow your heart or your mind?
Heart. Because I'm an idiot.

Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year?
It's almost been a year, so I'm going to say yes>

How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
My mom acted really cool about it, but then told me I could never get another one and all that jazz. If I got another one now she'd probably try and be disapproving but would know it wouldn't matter.

Do you use note cards to study?
Sometimes, just because I ask Rob to help me study and it's usually easiest if notecards are involved.

Who was the last person you talked on the phone with?
Rob to let him know I was on my way over.

What is something you currently want?
To be moved in with furniture already there so we don't have to drive to Detroit.

What was the last thing you bought?
Pizza.

What was the weather like today?
Cold and it looked like it was trying to snow, but I think someone was looking out of me and decided they would wait until we moved.

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
Probably in a few minutes.

Dark hair or light hair in the preferred sex?
I don't LOOK for any type of hair, but I've noticed I often go for the dark-haired ones.

When was the last time you held hands with someone?
Earlier today I think.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
Sometimes, but not that often.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Yeah.

Tell me about the shirt you are wearing?
I'm wearing a white wife beater with a pink hoodie that Theresa and I sharpied to say "Pretty in Punk" and have all kinds of ridiculous Fall Out Boy-related stuff on it. I don't wear it in public much anymore.

Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday?
Yes they have.

Do you think you will ever be married?
Gaaah this question. I don't know, honestly. I think it's possible but it's going to take a lot of time. I want to be.

Do you like hugs or do you freak out when people hug you?
I love hugs. I act like sometimes it freaks me out but it totally doesn't. Please, hug me.

I'm just at the breaking point, I think.

Rob and I move in to the new apartment on December first. Not a thing is packed, other than the things I never bothered unpacking to begin with. I need to change the utilities over to SOMEONE else. There's the actual financial situation that's just worrying me constantly.

I took my genetics exam today and felt really good about it, just to come home and find out I failed it. I, in fact, might not even pass the class. I just feel really stupid because I never had to try in high school. I know I have to try now and I do, but then a class like this comes along and trying doesn't make a difference.

Rob's been just as stressed as me and I think that's making him less receptive to my worrying. That's understandable and the logical part of me has no problem setting that aside. But the stressed part of me is making me over-sensitive and that makes it harder to just drop it when it happens. He's worried about finding another job and starting classes and I think that makes him think me being upset over an exam that I did all I could do to prepare for silly. Granted, being upset over it is pointless because nothing can be done about it. If I have to retake the class, then I retake it. But since I'm already overly-emotional, it just upsets me more for him to be frustrated by it.

As far as him finding a job, he's been looking. I guess if I was him I'd just go about it differently. He's had his hopes set on a few places in particular and spending more time and effort with applications and checking back on them there rather than going to different places. As it is, he applied for food stamps and that's going to help us a ton because we won't have to worry about affording food as much.

After typing it out, I've calmed down a lot. I think it's just all of it piling up. Finals are coming up, Nikki still owes me money, and not to mention I'm moving in with my boyfriend. He's never lived with ONLY his girlfriend or wife, but he's still lived in the same place with them before. I've never done it and it scares the shit out of me.

It's just hard because Rob's not huge on talking about things. I think we'd both be less frustrated with each other if we sat down and talked about all of this crap, so that it all wouldn't jump up in the moment. Of course, right now he just wants to chill out and calm down.

I just really, really want to move. I think once we both get out of our respective situations and see that it's not financially impossible (which I KNOW, in my logical self) to live in this apartment, things will calm down. Stupid security deposits. The world would be so much easier without them.

Work was in-fucking-sane this weekend. I'll tell you this: I don't care if you hate or love Twilight of whatever, but that movie is fucking AMAZING for the economy. We never slowed down and everyone made a ridiculous amount of money. The only reason is because the theater across the street has been sold-out for New Moon straight through the week. So I'm not complaining. Well, I was, because my legs and feet were killing me. Other than that, though, I'm not complaining.

"Swing Life Away" by Rise Against

Am I loud and clear or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

I've been here so long, think that its time to move
The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon
So let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
Until you hold my hand

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
Until you hold my hand

Swing life away
Swing life away
Swing life away
Swing life away

It's been forever and I don't really feel like putting up an entire post anyway, but I've been obsessed with this song so I thought I'd share.

"Black Cadillacs" by Modest Mouse

And it's true we named our children after towns
That we'd never been
And it's true that the clouds just hung around
Like black cadillacs outside of funerals
And we were done, done, done
With all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around

You were so true to yourself
You were true to no one else
Well I should have put you in the ground
I've got the time, I got the hours, I got the days, I got the weeks
I could say to myself
I got the words but I can't speak
Well I was done, done, done
With all the circ, circ, circlin' round

I didn't die and I ain't complainin'
I ain't blamin' you
I didn't know that the words you said to me meant more to me than they ever could you
I didn't lie and I ain't sayin'
I told the whole truth
I didn't know that this game we were playin' even had a set of rules

We named our children after towns
That we'd never been to
And it's true that the clouds just hung around
Like black cadillacs outside of funerals
And we were laughing at the stars
While our feet clung tight to the ground
So pleased with ourselves for using so many verbs and nouns
But we were all still

Just dumb, dumb, dumber than the dirt, dirt, dirt on the ground
Well wings on flames
Kings with no names
Well this place just ain't got right air right now
You were so all over town but still so Crayola brown
You should run 'round yourself right now
And we were done, done, done with all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around
Circlin' round

I haven't written anything in FOREVER. So I'm not putting too much thought into this one because I think I'm out of practice. Feel free to comment, just like the good old days.

You Never Forget Your First Time

There's a voice at home in the back of my mind
And I've erased from its vocabulary every word of doubt
Except for when it comes to you
And there's a thought that sneaks up on me
When I think about what the coming years might bring
But I ignore it, it might be true

Second might not always mean second best
But that doesn't make it hurt any less
Just one thing could bring this tumbling down:
It just meant more the first time around

All your words of protest boil down to nothing
When the waters of doubt are unwarrented to start
It's really not your fault
I'm lying down in this bed we've both made
And honestly most nights I sleep just fine
But they can't be good dreams all

Second might not always mean second best
But that doesn't make it hurt any less
Just one thing could bring this tumbling down:
It just meant more the first time around

Last week Krystnn called me telling me that Ariel had popped up on her Facebook livefeed because of a mutual friend. She said she'd looked at a bunch of her photos since her profile is public, including the pictures from her and Rob's wedding, and that I was much prettier than her and Rob had upgraded. I appreciated the ego boost, but it didn't really matter.

Until tonight. For some reason, and I didn't know why at the time, I became OBSESSED with Facebook stalking Ariel tonight. So much so that I asked Mary to do it with me so that I wouldn't feel like such a creeper (which was ridiculous anyway, because how does making someone else stalk WITH me make me LESS creepy? It doesn't). However, when we went to Ariel's page it was no longer public. And I was glad for it, because it kept me from seeing things I couldn't unsee, things that would upset me needlessly because it was from before Rob met me and all that jazz. Then I remembered that everyone at work kept talking about her Myspace and all the things she said about Rob when he left her. And god help me, I went and looked.

And of course made Mary look.

Thankfully, the blogs were private and I couldn't read for myself what she said about Rob leaving, even though I know most of it from work. The photos weren't though, so I, in all my masochistic glory, looked. I couldn't bring myself to look at the wedding photos, but there were photos of her engagement ring and one captioned, "Me and my fiance/new husband." At that point I had my fill of my stupid obsession, closed out the window and started crying.

Then I realized why I needed to look. I needed visible proof that I would never be the first ANYTHING for Rob. Even if things work out perfectly for us and we live happily ever after or some bullshit, I will never be what Ariel was to him: his first wife. I will never be the mother of his first child. And that in itself doesn't bother me. He's not my first for a lot of things. He's not the first person I kissed, had sex with, hell, loved. But he's the person I love more than anyone else I've ever loved and I know it's the same for me, and that makes it ok. What would not be ok is if all of these things happened with me, as well, and it meant nothing to Rob. If we got engaged, got married, had a kid, did all of that stuff, and there was not one ounce of excitement or nervousness or anything. If at any point it felt like it was just the second time around, that would absolutely devastate me.

Of course, I have no reason to think any of that is the case. I have evidence to the contrary, actually. I think, as Mary put it, I just needed some kind of healing, even if that healing meant I needed to be kicked in the face with the boot of reality. And the more Mary and I talked about it, the more I realized that the reality is, NOTHING is perfect. So why should this be any different?

And it helped that Nikki saw and said, "Jesus she's fucking ugly!"

Not really, but I wanted to end this on a shallow note.

I haven't updated in a while, so it feels like I should. Nothing huge is going on. Nathan, Kayleigh, Rob, Spencer and I are going to Michigan's Adventure tomorrow. Kayleigh wasn't going to come because she and Nathan "broke up" last night. Honestly though, I don't think they'll ever break up for good. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not, but Nathan's a good friend so whatever makes him happy, I suppose.

Today Nathan was supposed to hang out with Rob and me. We were going to hunt for a hammock for Rob and maybe use some of the passes NCG gave us for a food trade. I came home to shower and take care of AJ, so I called Rob before I headed back over. He said he and Nathan were running Steve, Rob's roommate, up to LCC to take care of some financial aid business and I could come if I wanted. When I got there, we embarked. After about ten minutes of waiting, Steve came back to us and told us that since the address on his license was not his current one, he needed two pieces of mail to prove his current address. The problem was that he didn't have two pieces of mail. He was upset because all of this had to be taken care of by August 13th and he was leaving to go camping tonight. We decided the easiest solution was to go to the Secretary of State right down the street where they could give him a sticker with his current address for his license. While he did that, we were going to go to Jimmy John's because Rob and I hadn't eaten yet. Halfway there, he realizes he left his sunglasses at LCC, so Nathan went back to get those and then met us at JJ. We were about halfway done with eating when Steve came back in saying there was an hour wait at SOS so he got his friend's routing number so that his refund could be deposited in that account and then sent to Steve. He then rushed us and told us we should leave then so that he could be back home in time to go camping. I was irritated, but I wrapped up my sandwich and walked back to LCC with him. Then he found out the computer lab was locked and he couldn't get in. He asked if there was another computer lab somewhere and I told him he could use the one at MSU. He said, "There's no computers between here and MSU?" I told him, "I don't know, I don't go trolling Lansing for computers, Steve." Rob asked if I would let him use my computer. Honestly, Steve is a "recovering" heroin addict who still uses SOMETHING fairly regularly and was sent to prison for larceny and I didn't want him in my house. But I knew we were all getting tired of running around, so I took him to my house. He then spent the next hour ignoring Rob and everyone else who tried to help him and in fact, shushing us when he was on the phone. Finally, he listened to Rob and got it taken care of. Three hours after we started all of this. Needless to say, we didn't got see a movie.

I've officially been working at Johnny Rocket's for a year now. As much as I complain about it, I do like it quite a bit. I'm glad I stayed there instead of going somewhere else. Of course, I only wound up staying there because my schedule kept me from getting hired someplace else. But these are minor details.

The apartment hunt continues. Marianne, from work, wants us to come look at her apartment and see if we like it. If we do, we can set up an appointment to talk about renting there. I'm getting pretty excited. I almost bought a chair today, then Rob calmed me down and reminded me that it was unnecessary to buy furniture at this point. Still, that chair will be mine...

I really just want to know when I'm going to stop missing my dad. I dread the day it happens, because it feels like that means it doesn't matter as much anymore, but at the same time it would be nice to be able to drive around with my friends without hearing a random song that makes me want to cry. It would be nice to not have to sound like a little girl, explaining to my boyfriend that nothing's wrong, I just miss my dad. It would be nice not having to look at the helpless expressions of people who can't do anything about it. I know this is just because the anniversary is coming up, but honestly, I've been thinking about him so much more lately than usual. There are so many things that are going well in my life that he's not around to see. And I know, he's "here in spirit." Who cares? My dad isn't actually here and that's what sucks. "Spirit" can't tell you he's proud of you or he hates your boyfriend or he loves you. I feel like such a broken record. It's been nine years. I need to get over it. He's almost been dead for as long as I knew him. I honestly feel so damn pathetic.

Happy belated 4th of July everyone! Hope you all had fun! I worked that day but got out very early. Rob and I kind of got on each other's nerves at work that day and I overreacted and said some really hurtful things (mainly, I apologized that I wasn't more like his ex-wife, which was stupid because he's never, ever made me feel like I should be like her or like he'd love me more if I was, it's actually quite the opposite). But we talked things over and everything was fine after he got out of work. Nathan had invited us to go with him and his girlfriend Kayleigh (along with some of Kayleigh's friends who he didn't particularly want to hang out with) to watch the fireworks on the Riverfront. When we were mad at each other, Rob had told him we wouldn't go. After things got worked out though (and considering Nathan and I never stopped begging Rob), we went and met up with them. They were really, really fun. However, one part was decidedly less fun. I bought a creamsicle and got my tongue and lip stuck to it for at least a minute and a half. I didn't know anyone other than Nathan and Rob (and sort of Kayleigh I guess), so it wasn't that big of a deal, except that Nathan's technically my boss and somehow sees me do something stupid and ridiculous every time we go out somewhere. Yay for professionalism.

I'm beginning to think I must just be an awful roommate. When I lived with Kristin, I was really not at a good place in my life (and Kristin was pretty weird to boot), so I understand that it was partially my fault for that not working out. The first time Heather Harbaugh and I lived together, everything went great. When Heather Albrecht and I lived together, things were awesome. The second time with Heather Harbaugh, when it was the two of us and her boyfriend, things were awful (flashback to about a year ago...bad times). I was miserable and they hated me and I wound up leaving after a month and a half. At the time, I attributed that to Ryan not wanting anyone but him to have Heather's attention. When I saw his brother a few months ago, Corey backed me up and told me that no one expected that to work out because Heather and Ryan are so miserable together all the time. Marie and I never had any problems and we're still friends. But now with Nikki... I don't know. You guys probably remember the fit she threw when I started dating Rob or whatever back in January. The thing is, she made me feel way worse about that than I needed to. I know that what I did was definitely in the gray area of morality, but I don't think it was wrong. Rob and Ariel were separated and Ariel knew Rob was seeing someone else. I would never say that there was absolutely no problem with what I did, but at the same time Nikki made it much worse than it was and consequently made me feel like I was a much worse person for doing it than I think I really was.

So flashback to last Thursday. I was doing laundry in the morning when Nikki texted me and asked me if JR was hiring. I told her no, we weren't. Then at about 4:40 PM, she came home with Heather. She isn't supposed to be done with work until 10:30, so I asked what she was doing home so early. She told me she was looking for a job. She was working with Clean Water Action, getting donations door-to-door. If you don't meet your standard goal two weeks in a row, they let you go. She was telling me over a week before that she needed to look for another job because she was almost positive she was going to be let go. So Thursday wasn't really a surprise to either of us. It was kind of irritating to me that she knew she was going to be fired and still didn't go job hunting. I understand this is her life and I'm not going to hound her to find a job, but we're both responsible for the bills, so if she has no money to pay them, that part does involve me. After I got off work, she stopped at home and said she'd be back later. I knew I was kind of on edge, so I went to Rob's so that I could calm down and not lash out. The day before had been our anniversary and Rob had been sick, so we didn't really do anything. I kind of just wanted to get dinner and curl up on the couch with him. Around midnight, Nikki called but I didn't answer. She called again half an hour later. Her car wouldn't start and she thought she needed a jump. She was stuck in a parking structure in East Lansing and asked if I would come. I told her I'd be right there. I got there and she told me her battery was too dirty and she couldn't tell which was red and which was black. I muttered, "Great" and went back to connecting the cars. She didn't ground her end, which I know you don't have to do, but I can't afford for something to be going wrong so I asked her, "Nikki, ground that." She said, "I just got off the phone with my brother. I know what I'm doing." I told her, "Fine, do whatever the fuck you want." She goes, "What is your problem?" I told her, "Well for one, I was trying to celebrate my anniversary." She goes, "Then go back home. You didn't have to come. I could have called someone else." I said, "Well you called me twice so I figured you needed me. Just hook it up." She asked again what was wrong and I said, "I'm just fed up Nikki, and I'm waiting for you to not be able to afford the bills again." She got upset and when the jump didn't work, told me to leave.

When I drove out, I texted her and told her to let me know when she got somewhere safe and I was just irritated because she spent so much time telling me what a bad person I was for dating Rob and how undependable I was, yet I was still bailing her out. I was sorry for blowing up at her, but I couldn't just forget that. She never texted me back and today is the first day I've seen her since then.

I really didn't mean to lash out, but it upsets me that she is ALWAYS spending money, even when she just got fired (she was in East Lansing's bar district when she called), yet still owes me (now) $220. But the more I thought about it, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm too demanding as a roommate. I try not to be. When she had her parties that I couldn't stay for, I just left for Rob's. I even helped clean the house for them. Maybe I'm just a bad roommate or something. I don't know. It's just frustrating.

Long day at work today. Mandy sent the third server home as soon as I got there, so Tom and I worked three rushes by ourselves. Bigs walked out in the middle of one, so we had no cook for just long enough for everything to get messed up. Luckily Mandy took over and fixed everything up as fast as she could. I wish she'd fire him.

This song reminds me of my freshman year at State.

"Where My Mouth Is" by Taking Back Sunday

See it's not like
I didn't mean
What I said
When I said
"I'll put my money where my mouth is"
And I put my money where my mouth was
Until I couldn't breathe through my nose
And now I'm staring at the floor
Where my second life just ended
Where I lost not one but two friends

Yeah I had it all
Sitting on top of the world
But I threw it away
Just to prove that I could
I put my money where my mouth is

See I recall
Quite perfectly
Who I was
Both before and after the drugs
Both before and after the drugs
I put my money where my mouth is
I put my money where my mouth was
I've got a strong will, just weak hands
And I don't know what to do with either one of them

Yeah I had it all
Sitting on top of the world
But I threw it away
Just to prove that I could
Just to prove that I could
I put my money where my mouth is
I put my money where my mouth is
I put my money where my mouth is

Your knight in shining armor of a mother and a father
You had everything, everything you needed
And it was made crystal clear
That would not change

Yeah I had it all
Sitting on top of the world
But I threw it away
(Why'd you do it?
Why, why'd you do it?)
Just to prove that I could
Yeah I had it all
Yeah I had it good
So good
But I threw it away
(Why'd you do it?
Why, why'd you do it?)
Just to prove that I could
I could
Just to prove that I could
I put my money where my mouth is
I put my money where my mouth is
I put my money where my mouth is
Yeah I had it all

1. Height? - 5'2 1/2"

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? - no I have not

3. Do you own a gun? -no

5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents? -sometimes. It depends on what they've heard about me and how the relationship started.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? - I don't like them, although I was so hungry today I ate one at work.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song? - "Yule Shoot Your Eye Out" by Fall Out Boy

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? - usually a Low Card Monster

9. Can you do push ups? -surprisingly, yes

10. Is your bathroom clean? - yes it is, cleaned it last night

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? - my rings

12. Do you like painkillers? -I don't LIKE them, I just use them if I need them, which is very rarely.

14. Do you have A.D.D.?-sometimes I think I do.

16. Middle Name? -Lynn...ew

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
1. Damn I'm tired
2. Shouldn't be sitting here in a towel, I need real clothes.
3. How long did it take them to close at work tonight?

18. Name the last 3 things you bought in the last day: Monster, Slurpee, alcohol for Jess

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink: - water, Diet Coke, Monster

20. Dream car? - 1967 Mustang Shelby GT500

1. Favorite Concert? - Honda Civic Tour

22. Current worry? - Rob getting a better job

23. Current hate? - Nah, no hate.

24. Favorite place to be? - Curled up in my bed, as of late.

25. Least favorite place to be? - I was going to say work, but going to Comcast and waiting in that damn line SUCKS.

26. Where would you like to go? - Cancun. I loved it there.

27. Do you own slippers? - No, they bother me.

28. What shirt are you wearing? - I'm wearing a towel...

29. Do you burn or tan? - I get hives, then tan out really nicely.

30. Favorite color(s)? - blue, green, purple, black

31. Would you be a pirate? - I'll leave that to Rob. I'm ok with not being a pirate.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower? - Whatever's on the radio or in the CD player.

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? - Chucky from Child's Play and the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt

35. What's in your pockets right now? - no pockets

36. Last thing that made you laugh? - The fact that we're going to throw Nathan's glow in the dark disk around a cemetery tonight.

37. Best bed sheets as a child? - 101 Dalmations

38. Worst injury you've ever had? - compressing my spine, I think.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house? - 1

41. Who is your loudest friend? - I would be the loud one.

42. Who is your most silent friend? - Katie (either one, now that I think about it)

43. Does someone have a crush on you? - Rumor has it.

44. Do you wish on shooting stars? - I've never seen one.

45. What is your favorite book? - The Vampire Lestat or any of Chuck Palaniuk's.

46. What is your favorite candy? - chocolate

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding? - I have NO idea. I try not to think about it. I used to want "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith, but that was when I was way younger and didn't realize how much everyone would laugh at that. Maybe "Hey There, Delilah" depending on who I marry...

48. What song do you want played at your funeral? - "Welcome to the Black Parade" by MCR

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? - cleaning the house

50. What was the first thing you did when you woke up this morning? - woke Rob up

Hello friends. So I bought three new albums this past week. I bought Funhouse by Pink, David Cook's debut album, and New Again by Taking Back Sunday. TBS is by far my favorite. It's one of those albums that helped put my faith back in music. A lot of the music I've been listening to lately hasn't really done it, so I was in desperate need of something that gave me that ache, like "Oh man, I know just how he was feeling when he wrote this." I don't know anything about David Cook's personal life, other than his brother has cancer (which was relevant on one song), but I know Pink just went though a divorce and Adam Lazzarra (singer of TBS) was engaged but said engagement was broken off when he got another woman pregnant. He instead married her and they had the baby in December. Also, because of his lifestyle/drug habit and personality, he chased away his guitarist and friend, who left the band to pursue a solo career. I figured I'd be in for an interesting album, and I was right. It was much more honest than most TBS albums. Adam's usually very upfront about messing up his life, but he covers it up by being arrogant. This time he was much more honest sounding, like he realizes how much he's cost himself. It's quite amazing, if you're a fan of that sort of autobiographical music.

As far as Pink's album, there's a few good breakup songs and some good songs about reflecting on her actual marriage. Butch Walker worked with her on a few songs so I was obviously a fan. Butch Walker could record and album of himself blowing on the rim of soda bottles to make noise and I would think it was genius.

I also started writing my own things again, much due to Mary's urging. It's hard because I usually only write when I'm upset or angry for an extended period of time. Despite the fact that we have epic arguments, I'm happy with Rob and said arguments are always short-lived. So I'm working on things, but I'm not happy with anything right now, at least not enough to post it.

Please excuse the following off-topic rant, but it's really been bugging me. There was a protest the day that Prop 8 was upheld in California. I went and was proud to be there. A girl I know from the gay community, Gavi, told me about it and she was the only person I recognized there. I understand that some other people had other obligations, but NO ONE I knew from the community was there. I was just kind of disappointed because only a few nights before, Allison, another friend from the community, had gone off on a rant about how girls who say they are bi never are, they're just curious to have sex with a girl and then want nothing to do with them in the relationship department. She never flat-out said it, but the implication was that since I broke up with Ashleigh and then started dating Rob, I wasn't really bi. It pissed me off because how is it my fault that I fell in love with a guy after it didn't work out with a girl? How does that negate my feelings or my sexuality? No, I'm not planning on ever dating a girl again, but I'm never planning on dating another guy, either. If things don't work out with Rob, I would not rule out dating another girl. It just pisses me off that I get told I'm not really part of the community, yet I was the one at the protest. And what's even worse is I can guarantee that all of the people who weren't at the protest will be out at Pride, hitting up the bars and celebrating. I think that if we want the same rights as everyone else, we need to stop dividing ourselves up within our own community. We all talk about how "separate isn't equal" and it's not, but we need to keep that in mind ourselves.

Anyway. This is one of my favorite songs off the new TBS album. Enjoy.

"Swing" by Taking Back Sunday

Open the gate to your apartment complex
You're not getting off that easily
I climbed the fence
The one that you've been sitting on
How long before I'm just a memory?
How long before you can't remember me?
Remember me?

I never had a choice
I never had a choice to leave the chokehold molding
Around that two-hinged doorway
I couldn't find the part to fix the listless nagging in my brain
How long before I'm just a memory?
How long before you can't remember me?
Remember me?

Lover, lover on the fence
Bat your eyes, ball a fist and swing
Swing
Swing before you leave
Lover, lover tell me this
Passion over consequence
When did the latter take the lead?
Just swing

I never had a choice
I never had a choice to even lend itself
You watched my reservations fall to the floor
Fall to the floor
Now sing with me
How long before I'm just a memory?
How long before you can't remember me?
Remember me?

Lover, lover on the fence
Bat your eyes, ball a fist and swing
Swing
Swing before you leave
Lover, lover tell me this
Passion over consequence
When did the latter take the lead?
Just swing

Open the gate to your apartment complex
Did you forget love, you're the one who called for me?
How long did you expect to keep me waiting?
How long before I'm just a memory?

Lover, lover on the fence
Bat your eyes, ball a fist and swing
Swing
Swing before you leave
Lover, lover tell me this
Passion over consequence
When did the latter take the lead?
Just swing

So I've never actually heard Marcus Foster sing this, just Robert Pattinson's cover of it and I think it's absolutely brilliant. Enjoy. Too tired to make an actual entry. Been fighting off a panic attack for three hours. Ready to give in.

"I Was Broken" by Marcus Foster

I was tied
Now unbound
My head is off the ground
For a long time was so weary
Tired of the sound, I've heard before
The gnawing of the nighttime at the door
Haunted by the things I made
Stuck between the burning light and the dusty shade

Said I used to think the past was dead and gone
But I was wrong, so wrong
Whatever makes you blind must make you strong
Make you strong
In my time I've melted into many forms
From the day that I was born
I know there's no place to hide
Stuck between the burning shade and the fading light

I was broken
For a long time
But it's over now
Said I was broken
For a long time
But it's over now

Yes and you
You walk these lonely streets that people send
People send
There are some wounds that just can't mend
And I do pretend
I'm free from all the things that take my friends
But I will stand here till the end
I know I can take the moon
Stuck between the burning shade and the fading light

I was broken
For a long time
But it's over now
It's over now
It's over now
It's over now
It's over now

I was broken
For a long time
But it's over

Today was my day off this week, so I went to Ann Arbor to visit Katie in the hospital. Her surgery was on Monday and today was her first mostly lucid day. Rob slept until about 1 and I wasn't going to wake him up since he never gets to sleep in. But we got up and headed out. Rob's trying really hard (again) to quit smoking, so he was kind of edgy but the trip there wasn't bad. He got really quiet on the way back but it was no big deal. When we got there though, I had kind of a hard time being in the hospital. The smell of the unit just made me think of my dad and my grandma. Then on top of it, every time I saw a doctor I kept thinking about how I'm not smart enough to make the cut and and going to wind up in the lab instead. Actually seeing Katie was nice. She looked good, even if she was still a little out of it from being on morphine.

Rob, Bob and I went to see Terminator: Salvation last night. It was not all I thought it would be, unfortunately. They left it open for a fifth one, so that could be interesting I guess.

On the plus side, in hopes that I'll make enough money this weekend to make rent, I went grocery shopping this week. It was not as torturous as I seemed to remember. I hadn't actually shopped for food since Rob and I started dating, other than picking up a few items here or there. I just made myself a delicious salad and grilled cheese with turkey though, so I think it was a good investment.

Nikki got a new job that she really likes. It's good that she has something good going for her. As of right now, she doesn't have the money to pay me back because her parents aren't giving it to her and she failed out of MSU again and was placed on a two year recess. In December she's thinking about joining the navy, which...whatever. If it makes her happy that's good I guess. Right now it sounds like she's doing it just because she doesn't know what else to do. So, like I said, it's a good thing she likes her new job. She's got people there that she seems to really get along with. Every Thursday they have staff night and go to someone's house or a bar or something. This week it was going to be at our house. That actually pissed me off a little because she never even asked or told me she was thinking about it. She just said, I'm having staff night at our place Thursday." That wouldn't even have been so bad except that she told me, "And almost everyone smokes pot, so I don't know what you want to do about that." It makes me sick still, so I really don't want to be around it. I know she was thinking it wasn't a big deal and I could just go over to Rob's, which is true. I just would like to have some kind of say about what goes on at my house. In the end it didn't matter because they aren't having it here anyway. I just thought it was a little inconsiderate.

"Where the Stars Go Blue" by Ryan Adams

Dancing where the stars go blue
Dancing where the evening fell
Dancing in your wooden shoes
And a wedding gown

Dancing out on 7th street
Dancing through the underground
Dancing little marionette
Are you happy now?

Where do you go when you're lonely?
Where do you go when you're blue?
Where do you go when you're lonely?
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
When the stars go blue

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby

Where do you go when you're lonely?
Where do you go when you're blue?
Where do you go when you're lonely?
I'll follow you

Where do you go when you're lonely?
Where do you go when you're blue?
Where do you go when you're lonely?
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
When the stars go blue

I haven't listened to this song in forever, but it just came on my iTunes and I felt like sharing. It's one of those perfect "I'm better off without you" songs, even though those moments are sometimes fleeting. It's been an odd day. I'm hoping it ends well.

"In the Rough" by Anna Nalick

You say you fell while holding diamonds in your hands
"It's your fault for running holding diamonds," I said
And I offer no sympathy for that
I hear that it was you who died alone
And I offer no sympathy for that
Better off I sparkle on my own

And someday
Love will find me in the rough
Someday
Love will finally be enough

I turned around three times and wound up at your door
Now you say you know all you did not know before
And I offer no sympathy for that
I hear that it was you who died alone
And I offer no sympathy for that
Better off I sparkl on my own

And someday
Love will find me in the rough
Someday
Love will finally be enough

I got your love letters
And I threw them all away
I hear you think that I'm crazy
I'm driving ninety-five and
I'm driving you away
I shine a little more lately

Someday
Love will find me in the rough
Someday
Love will finally be enough

Someday
Love will find me in the rough
Someday
Love will finally be enough

I shine a little more lately

Why hello there. It's been a while.

School is over, for what this semester was worth. E cell, as predicted, kicked my ass. I passed it, but just barely. I would be disappointed except that I know how hard I worked and how ridiculous Professor Koslowsky is. I mean, the woman had a petition against her teaching that class anymore. The only reason it didn't work was that she has tenure. I just think any professor that can't answer a question and gives the reason, "Well I'm teaching the class, not taking it. I don't have to know that," is ridiculous. So, yes, passing was quite enough for me.

While we're on the topic of school, it looks like I'm going to have to hang around MSU for a semester longer than I planned. It's not that big of a deal, it'll just be a summer semester. I'm just not quite certain where I fell behind. Also, now I have a bunch of silly, ridiculous classes to take because I'll have taken all of my required classes for graduation. Maybe scuba diving? Haha. I actually thought that would be funny when I was a freshman, but I didn't have the money to pay the registration fee for it.

I'm thinking about getting health insurance. I think after this month I'll have a pretty good idea as to whether or not I can pay for low-expense health insurance every month. Really, all I need is prescription coverage and very, very basic coverage otherwise. I realized yesterday that I'm almost two years overdue for my yearly exam, which, you can go two years but I'd like to get it done before August. At Planned Parenthood, it's $160. Health insurance would make this much, much easier. It's just a consideration.

Nikki still hasn't paid me back. I'm planning on bringing that up when I tell her I've paid the Comcast bill this month. I'll just say, "Your half is (I haven't done that math yet). And I was wondering if you could pay me back that $200 this month." It'd just be nice to have back, especially since it's coming from her parents and not her. I don't feel bad asking for it back since it's not like it'll be shorting HER.

Rob, Bob, Will and I went to go see Star Trek the other night. I thought it was a really good movie, even though I'm not into the series. I guess I didn't appreciate it the same way the guys did. I was also not aware that Rob was that big of a geek. I suppose I'll keep him around though.

Things between us have been kind of hard lately. He's just been getting really upset over stupid things. I guess it's a good thing that we have yet to fight over something actually big, it's just even more frustrating when, as he's being irrationally angry, I can see that it's not actually a big deal but he won't let me talk about it until he's calmed down. In the long run, it's trivial, but at the time I think it's a much bigger deal than it is. I guess overreacting is contagious. All in all though, things have been going really well. I just realized that, excluding Alex (which I have trouble with since, although in most respects we were dating, he kept going back and forth as to whether or not we actually were), the longest relationship I've ever been in was five and a half months. Tomorrow, Rob and I will have been together that long. The difference is, by this time in said relationship, I was bored and knew I wanted out. I have absolutely no desire to end things with Rob. I know how ridiculous it would be to think that five and a half months is a long time, and I don't. I just think it's weird how I've changed in relationships.

Tonight Andrew and I are going for sushi. That should be a good time, considering he and I haven't hung out in forever. Plus, I've been craving sushi like none other this week. So yes, good times.

Has anyone seen or heard anything about a movie called Rachel Getting Married? From the very little bit I've heard about it, I think it would be good. So, anyone have anything about it?

As simple as this song is, I love it and needed to post it.

"Please Don't Leave Me" by Pink

I don't know if I could yell any louder
How many times have I kicked you outta here
Or said something insulting?
I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
When my heart is broken

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this:
Please don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it
I promise

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this:
Please don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud
How beautiful you really are to me
I can't be without
You're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you
I'm sorry

Please, please don't leave me
Baby
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this:
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this:
Please, please don't leave me
Baby
Please, please don't leave me

So I've just been lurking for a while and not actually updating. I thought maybe it was time for a change.

A lot's gone on since that last time I updated, I guess. Work's gotten a lot better and I'm happy there, for now. I'm making all the money I need and a little bit more. Rob and I are still good.

I guess one of the major changes is that my mom and I are pseudo-not speaking. One of the major points of contention between us was that she helped pay for things I couldn't while I was at college (car insurance, health insurance). I'd realized not too long ago that I could pay for them myself and, in turn, not have her use that as an excuse to be physically and emotionally abusive. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful that she helped me because I now it was a struggle for her and she didn't have to do it. But at the same time, that doesn't give her the right to treat me with little or no respect. At any rate, we had a huge argument where she was completely disrespectful and when I told her she was out of line, she told me she paid my bills and there was no such thing as being out of line. As far as I'm concerned, telling your daughter that if she's going to have sex with her boyfriend she should at least get paid for it is out of line. I told her that and said that from now on, I'd pay my own way. I'm more than old enough and I have the means. We haven't really spoken since, other than to sort out what I've cancelled and things like that. I don't have health insurance right now, which concerns me a little but I want to make sure I can cover all the absolute necessities before I get that. She sent me a birthday present the other day, which really upset me. I'm not entirely sure why, I guess because she told me she doesn't like me, much less love me and she can't stand the person I've become, but then sends me a present and a card telling me how much she loves me and how proud she is of me. Reading things like that just make it hurt that much more than she says the negative stuff, I guess.

At any rate, that's where it stands right now.

Nikki got probation and community service for shoplifting, which is good. I paid for one month of both of our bills, but she'll be paying me back for that soon enough. She's been much more...the way she used to be. Heather broke up with her and I think that might have a lot to do with it. She doesn't have a girlfriend to always hang out with and their mutual friends are divided. I still don't completely trust her, but it can be a very superficial thing. I'm content with that.

This song came on my iTunes and I had to post it. Ashleigh had me download it a long time ago because she said it reminded her of me. I cried so hard when she told me that because I knew exactly how that whole relationship was going to end and it left me feeling so exposed. At any rate, I think it's a beautiful song and definitely worth a listen.

"Good Enough" by Sarah McLachlan

Hey you're glass is empty
It's a hell of a long way home
Why don't you let me take you?
It's no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
But you seemed so real to me
And after all the bullshit I've heard
It's refreshing not to see
And I don't have to pretend
She doesn't expect it from me

So don't tell me I haven't been good to you
Don't tell me I've never been there for you
Just tell me why
Nothing is good enough for you

Hey little girl would you like some candy?
Your mama said it's ok
The door is open, come on outside
No I can't come out today
It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Who's there that makes you so afraid?
You're shaking to the bone
I don't understand
You deserve so much more than this

So don't tell me why he's never been good to you
Don't tell me why he's never been there for you
Don't you know that why is simply not good enough?
So just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I'll show you why you're so much more than good enough
So just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I'll show you why you're so much more than good enough

Last night/this morning felt like it should have taken place back in Redford with me having to go to work at The Grill in the morning. I had Tom's comedy show, which was good. Tom was alright, but he's continuing down this stupid path of self-destruction and it showed when he was onstage. He wasn't animated at all. The guy after him, Matt McClowery, was hilarious. Bigs and his girlfriend were there though, so after Matt's set I left because I was tired of being glared at. I went over to Rob's house when he got out of work and we hung out with Geoff for a little while and then went to Fleetwood because I wanted a chili cheese omelet. Rob was in a weird mood because he feels bad because he can't pay for me everywhere we go. We go back and forth, either I'll pay or he pays or we each buy our own. I don't care about it, but he does because he feels like he doesn't deserve me or something because he can't buy me omelets whenever I feel like it. No, I'm kidding around, I understand where he's coming from. It's just not that big of an issue to me. If he was using me for my liquid income (bwahahaha, what a joke), then I'd worry about it. But he's not and I'm not concerned.

At any rate, we went back home and talked to Geoff for a little while longer then went upstairs. My lungs were acting up really badly and I guess it worried Rob enough that he stayed up making sure I was breathing. He's got asthma so he's more paranoid about it than I am. At any rate, I woke up coughing and then neither of us could sleep. So we were watching stuff on the internet and then just talking until we realized it was five thirty AM. So what was the next logical step?

That's right. McDonald's breakfast.

We ate our McGriddles and orange juice and finally passed out. I got up at twelve thirty to go to the bank with Marie so I could sign off on the security deposit from our apartment that got issued to me although I had no part in the security deposit. Then I drug Rob to the mall where I got a bunch of tank tops (they were four for $20 at Wet Seal and I needed some). Afterwards we kind of got into this stupid disagreement. He was still upset over feeling like a bum and wanted to be alone while he just freaked out over the fact that he has to spend his entire paycheck next week catching up. I took that as being pushed away. I realize now that this is ridiculous. I guess it's just that we've been spending so much time together that to hear, "Hey, I need to freak out and I don't want you there for it," was just kind of out of left field. I'm used to people that don't have reasons to be alone, they just don't want me around. I guess for minute I just stopped remembering that Rob is not that person.

Of course, telling this to all of you on Livejournal is not the same as telling this to Rob. I'm going to get on that in a little while, I just want to give him time to finish freaking out.

I missed this song.

"Best Mistake" by Jamison Parker

I chronicled the days you made me want to live
Memorized the way that it felt and then I turned it into this kiss
Tonight I'm wearing my best smile
And hope to make me worth your while
I'll be the best mistake you'll ever make

From the lack of sleep and the bloodshot eyes
To the nervous kiss and the butterflies
Does this make any sense at all?
She said
She said

We're not sleeping
And I'm not breathing
If this means anything at all
I won't let you leave me anymore

If this holds insignificance
I'll have the hearse follow the ambulance
No medicine exists to make my lungs work again

Let's shake and burn
Like an addict
My hearing's dead
Only static
If I said your smile's all the mattered
Would you save my life?

We're not sleeping
And I'm not breathing
If this means anything at all
Don't let you leave me anymore


We're not sleeping
And I'm not breathing
If this means anything at all
Don't let me leave you anymore
Don't let me leave you anymore

So I finally ventured on the interwebs to do some homework. However, I refuse to check my msu mail account. So there.

It's pretty much been a laid-back week. I worked some, slept a lot, went to see The Watchmen last night. Rob and Bob, his roommate and best friend (yes, it's silly
that they have the same name) really wanted to go see it and I was slightly interested. It was really good. It was long, but I liked it. There was a heavily ridiculous sex scene that we all giggled through like a bunch of ten year-olds, but whatever.

Let's see...Oh! So last week I went to see Mary back home. It was amazing, pretty much. I haven't really seen her and hung out with her in forever, so we spent about nine hours being ridiculous. I bought a camera to record the day, but somehow managed to delete the pictures because I'm a dumbass. I almost started crying when I realized this. I fail at life.

Question: in a "little black book" of people you'd like to sleep with, is the book only allowed to have people you have a chance with, or can it be anyone? Rob, his roommate Geoff and I went to Theio's last night and had the following conversation:

Geoff: That would be a long book. Like, there would be chapters. There'd be a professors section, a regulars at work section...I'm not gonna lie, an extended family section. I have some hot cousins. It would be a very, very long book.
Rob: It can only be people you have a chance with, Geoff. Jesus.
Geoff: Damn. That would be a short book then.
Me: It doesn't have to be just people you have a chance with! Go ahead and write your long book, Geoff.
Geoff: Score! Then yeah, a really long book.
Rob: Then in that case, yeah, long book.

So thoughts? Sorry, it was about three AM. We talk about weird things during the daytime, much less that late at night.

Nikki and I went to Los Tres Amigos yesterday. I was in the middle of a sentence and she says, "Laurie..." in a really hesitant voice. I looked where she was looking and there was a guy who looked just like Alex, but was a little shorter. It freaked me out for a minute because I never really thought about how I would react if I saw him again. It's weird because I've been thinking about him a bit more lately. I said something to Mary about him and she goes, "Alex? Wow, that's a name I haven't heard in forever. It's weird because he was such a big part of your life and then nothing." And she's right. I just kind of dropped that and I threw myself into so many other things that I'm not sure if I ever really thought about the fact that that was a year and a half of my life that is a closed chapter now. I was thinking about it today though, and even though I can and do blame him for hitting me, I don't blame him for wanting to end whatever sick little thing we had going. It wasn't healthy and I was using him as a crutch. I mean, I met him two days after Tess tried to kill herself and I threw myself completely into it. It wasn't healthy for either of us and I had refused time and time again to pull the plug on the whole thing. So I guess if it had been him, I probably wouldn't have done anything. It was what it was and now it's nothing. My ribs healed and so did the rest of me. There's nothing more to it.

I posted this song because I hadn't listened to it in forever. I really like it, but there are a few parts (like the part about the black cat) that are a little silly, but hearing it actually being played is really something haunting.

"Julia" by Our Lady Peace

Can you see her standing there
When she's trying to find just anywhere?
Flowers in her hands
She doesn't know why

Offered is advice to you
And all you did was fake it

And she's only yours tonight
Oh, she never cries
But I know there's pain inside
There's Julia

Drowning in her own visions
When she's begging the past to stay behind
Black cat in the night
Black cat in the sky

Offered is advice to you
You left but I don't blame you

And she's only yours tonight
Oh, she never cries
But I know there's pain inside
There's Julia

Digging up the past
To cross that line
To bury it one last time

Offered is advice to you
And all you did was fake it
I know there's pain inside, that's true
But you just have to face it

And she's only yours tonight
Oh, she never cries
But I know there's pain inside
There's Julia

Hello all. I'd like to start off by asking, where did the weekend go? I was lying in bed last night and realized I was going to be waking up to go to class. Wow. Anyway, moving on.

I actually accomplished quite a bit this weekend. I caught up on some reading for biochem, did a ton of laundry, worked and slept. I know, I know, sleeping should not be an accomplishment, but it was my hibernation sleep where I just pass out in bed for hours and hours and hours without worrying about my alarm going off. So it was very productive sleep because I shook off that perpetual sleep-deprived fog I usually have over my eyes.

I'm going to be dying my hair again because I need to get the pink out of it. I'm going job hunting because I'm tired of the fact that my manager doesn't like Rob causes her to cut my hours. I wish I was just being overly dramatic and had no real basis to say that, but she's told people that she messed with my schedule and cut my hours for that reason. So yes. Job hunting, here I come. I think Rob's going to look too because he knows how much more money he can make as a server. I've never actually had to look for another job while I was already employed, so this is a little different for me. Yay for new experiences, or something like that.

I took Rob home to meet my mom yesterday. But first, let me back up. I originally asked my mom if I could come see her on Sunday and she told me she had to work that night and there was no point in me coming if I couldn't spend the night. So I wrote that off. Then the next night she called saying she missed me and did want to see me. In fact, she missed me so much she bought a guinea pig and named it Laurie. Now, not only am I worried about introducing my boyfriend to my mother, I am fearing for her sanity. So Rob and I go to Redford yesterday. We get there and do introductions, the usual, and my mom hands me the guinea pig. I'm playing with it and it's very cute, she's clearly enamored with the thing. Then we decide we're going to go eat and I put the guinea pig back in its cage. As I put on my coat, it begins thrashing around on the bottom of its cage. This is not good. We stay there for a little while and it becomes very clear that Rodent Laurie is dying. My mom tells me to put her under her little wooden guinea pig house to keep her warm while we're gone for dinner. I do so and when we come back, Rodent Laurie is half out of the house! I'm very pleased because this means she's moving and has stuck the front of her body out of the entrance of her house! As I'm saying all of this excitedly, Rob goes, "Laurie..." That's when I realize that Rodent Laurie is not sticking through the entrance of her house. She has thrashed about so much that she lifted up the wooden house and it has landed right on top of her. I lift up the house and she's nearly halved. Rob looks at me and it took everything in me not to burst out laughing. I don't even know why other than it's so completely ridiculous and just once I would like for something to go right with Rob and I, even if it's something like my mother's guinea pig not dying when she meets him.

But oh wait, that's not all the awkward goodness that evening had to offer!

Flashback to New Year's Eve when I left Heather's party to go hang out with Eric and Anthony. I knew Anthony had a crush on me and while I was at Eric's apartment, he tried to kiss me. I told him no and that was that. I had also asked Eric and Anthony to not say anything to my mom about Ashleigh because if I was going to tell her about my sexuality, I wanted to do it on my time.

So last night we're at dinner and my mom goes, "Did you see Anthony?" I told her yes, I hung out with him and Eric. She kept asking things about him, like when did I see him, what did we do, just weird little things like that. Then when I told her I spent some time with him and Eric on New Year's, she goes, "Well he thinks you're gay." I had spent at least ten minutes of the ride there explaining to Rob how important it was that he not screw up and mention Ashleigh to my mom. So this was a little jarring. I just kind of went, "Gay?" She goes, "Yeah, he said that everytime he saw you you were walking around with girls." I laughed and went, "Well, my roommate's a girl. She's gay. Her girlfriend comes over and Ashleigh was staying with Heather at that time, so when Heather came over she brought Ashleigh. Don't get me wrong mom, the house was filled with girls. Clearly it means I too am a lesbian." She started laughing and went, "I know, I just thought you should know because I don't know what made him say that." I said, "Probably because he tried to kiss me and I shut him down." She goes, "Ooooh! That makes sense. Wow, what a jerk. Well don't let it upset you Laurie." And then she looks at Rob, who thankfully has stayed completely silent, and says, "Don't worry, she's not gay, I know." Rob just said, "Thanks, I didn't think so but it's good to hear."

Crisis: averted.

Since I don't work next Sunday either, I'm going back home to visit with Mary. I haven't gotten to hang out with just her for a significant amount of time in way too long, so needless to say it's overdue. Silliness will ensue.

I know this song is kind of cheesy and so overplayed, but I've decided I'm slightly obsessed with it. I tried to not listen to it because I heard it a few years ago and loved it, but then when it got mainstream I knew it would be overplayed to I stayed clear. But lately I've been listening to it on repeat. Oh well. Here it is.

"Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before?
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core
But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start
But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
And hold on to your words
'Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

Be hones​t,​ who texte​d you last?
Oh that would be Ariel Taylor.

What was going​ throu​gh your head on your last kiss?​​​
"That actually made this a little better."



What excit​ing event​ is comin​g up?
I might take my mom to dinner on Sunday. That's kind of exciting.


This time last year,​ can you remem​ber who you liked​?​
Alex Hatch


Do you think​ anyon​e has feeli​ngs for you?
Why yes, I do.

Do you have feeli​ngs for anyon​e?​
Yes



How late did you stay up last night​?
About 12:30

Who was the last perso​n you cried​ in front​ of?
Rob. I've been a crying, snotting mess twice in the past twelve hours in front of him.


What will you be doing​ in 3 hours​?
class


Have you held hands​ with anyon​e in the past 24 hours​?​
yes


What are you liste​ning to?
nothing right now


Any plans​ for tomor​row?​
Class, haircut, maybe Glo Golf?


Whats​ on your bed?
Just a comforter and sheets.

Did you kiss or hug anyon​e today​?​
Yes

Have you ever kisse​d someo​ne under​ firew​orks?​
Yeah, actually, Tony Skuta.


Do you like Valen​tine'​s Day?
I do not. I absolutely hate it whether I'm in a relationship or not.



What are you suppo​sed to be doing​ right​ now?
I'm supposed to be in class but I hit a bit of a snag earlier as my alarm was going off and wound up crying my way through half of what should have been biochem.


Have you ever kisse​d anyon​e who'​s name start​ed with a N?
Yes


Can you whist​le?​
No I cannot, and I am perpetually disappointed in myself for it.


Who was the last guy you talke​d to, not famil​y?​
Rob


Have you ever been calle​d heartless?
Yeah, my mom calls me that a lot actually.


When was the last time you wante​d to punch​ someo​ne in their​ face?​
About half an hour ago when Ariel sent me a picture of Acacia saying I was ruining her life and then texted Rob and asked why they didn't give her up for adoption. Hypocrisy for the win.


Do you have a frien​d you can tell stuff to and you're sure they won't tell?
I agree with Mary, yeah, I have friends I can trust.


Has anyon​e ever told you they love you?
yes


Is there​ anyon​e that hates​ you right​ now?
There sure is.


Are you anyth​ing like you were at this point​ last year?
God I'm trying not to be.


Do you laugh​ alot?​
Yeah I do.


Can you sleep​ witho​ut blank​ets cover​ing you?
If it's warm enough I usually kick them off.


Nice to meet you, I'm:
waiting


Your curre​nt relat​ionsh​ip statu​s?​
in a relationship

When'​​​​ s the next time you' ll see your close​st frien​d?​
I don't know. We were talking about this last night. It's really eating away at me.

Last time you talke​d to your numbe​r one?
Wow I need to change that...


Are you happy​?​​​​
I am.

How do you feel?​​​​
frustrated and futile but not all that upset anymore


Who can you blame​ for your bad mood today​?​​​​
I'm not going to be in a bad mood. I've already decided that.

Did you ever waste​ too much time on a certa​in boy or girl?​​​​
I try not to think about it as a waste of time because there was some reason I put in all the effort and hopefully something I learned. But I was told I was wasting my time.


Would​ you kiss anyon​e on your top frien​ds?​​​​
yes



When did your last hug take place​?​​​
about an hour ago I guess



Want someo​ne or somet​hing you can'​​​​t have?​​​​
a record contract?


Are you think​ing of someo​ne right​ now?
Yeah. I'm waiting for him to come back upstairs and hopefully this is resolved...

Do you want to see anyon​e?​​​​
I want to see a TON of people right now.


Are promi​ses impor​tant to you?
Yes, but they're not always realistic, like Mary said.


How many pierc​ings?​​​​
nine


Are you stubb​orn?​​​​
dreadfully so


Did anyth​ing "​​​​cute"​​​​ happe​n today​?​​​​
AJ tried to eat the zipper on Rob's hoodie. I thought it was cute.

Have you had a frien​d for many years​ and then they left just like that?​​​
ish


What were you doing​ at 1 am this morni​ng?​​​​
sleeping


Do you have a reaso​n to smile​ right​ now?
of course I do


Are you happy​ with your life?​​​​
yeah, I am


If you could​ go back in time,​​​​ would​ you?
nah


This time last year,​​​​ do you remem​ber who you were datin​g?​​​​
Alex


Ever liked​ anyon​e on your top frien​ds?​​​​
yeah

Anyth​ing bothe​ring you?
a bit, but it's being resolved


If you could​ have anyth​ing,​​​​ what would​ it be?
a record contract


Are you datin​g the very last perso​n you kisse​d?​​​​
yes

Could​ you go a month​ witho​ut talki​ng to your best frien​d?​
absolutely not. Never again.



When did you last go to the beach​?​​​
years ago


Do you sleep​ on your stoma​ch?​​​
sometimes if I'm sleeping alone.



Who was the last perso​n you took a pictu​re with?​​​​
I'm honestly not sure. I lost my camera, too. I'm bummed.


Have you ever chang​ed cloth​es in a vehic​le?​​​​
Yes. And I too have done it while driving. Well, I was at a red light...


Do you have texti​ng?​​​​
yes, thankfully

Do you trust​ ALL of your frien​ds​​​​?​​​​
I agree, I trust them all on some level, but I also know enough about them to know when they can't be trusted.


Does anyon​e like/​​​​love you?
Yes


Who was the first​ perso​n you talke​d to today​?​​​​
Rob


What were you doing​ at 11 last night​?​​​​
crying I think

What was the first​ thing​ you did when you woke up this morni​ng?​​​​
stared in complete awe at my phone for about ten seconds, then woke up Rob so he could do the same.


Are you any good at math?​​​​
Not so much




Have you ever,​​​​ in any way, been betra​yed by someo​ne you trust​?​
Yes, I have. Unfortunately, it's a part of life.


How late did you stay up last night​ and why?
Until about 12:30 because I had homework.

I need ideas for something "fun" to do this weekend with Rob. I'm aware, as I type this, that only Mary knows that that whole situation has been resolved. I'll update on that later, BUT in the meantime, I need ideas. He's getting a huge paycheck and wants to do something but I am so beyond unimaginative when it comes to things like that. So any suggestions?